Category Archives: Relationship

What Is Your Real BS About Relationships

What do you really believe about relationships, starting with yourself?

It is widely accepted that about 90% of our belief system (BS) was formed by the age of 7. To know what we really believe about relationships would be critical as it has shaped how we view them today at least to the extend that we have not re-programmed our BS.

The part of our mind that has a goal or desire is not the part that carry’s out the goal. Said another way, the part of our mind that really wants an amazing relationship whether we are single or not, is not the part that ultimately determines and creates that amazing relationship. We can say we really want to improve our relationship(s) and even take steps towards that yet our BS will determine what really happens. Our BS lives in our subconscious mind. Our subconscious mind is also where our inner judge lies.

Think for a moment about your computer and all your files and programs on your computer; many are hidden in folders and you may not see them right away but they are there. Some of the programs are working undetected to give you results. This is akin to the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is very powerful operating systems where approximately 95% of the programs/beliefs we have may be hidden away just like a submerged iceberg or the hidden files on your computer.

How can we learn what our operating system really is in regards to relationships if so much of it is hidden in our subconscious?

Here’s a huge clue to what our true beliefs are about relationships and I know it sounds so simple yet when we grasp this we can begin to transform disempowering beliefs and sometimes rather quickly.

The Clue: look around in your life… what’s working what’s not… where do you have longings or discontent? Wherever things are not as you desire that is where you have a hidden belief about yourself or others that is keeping you from loving courageously… so it’s crucial to uncover this and do a deeper dive to learn more.

When we understand is how powerful mind we think with is and how it works we can begin to change things and take things to a whole new trajectory

In my own marriage, after the fabulous honeymoon period had waned, I had one foot out the door and was not fully committed to my marriage. This did not create a lot of trust between us so say the least! I didn’t understand back then what was driving my thoughts and actions. It was my BS that people couldn’t be trusted and that I had to protect myself by leaving first. Until I uncovered this and re-programmed it our relationship was challenged.

If we want to create an amazing relationship and have the ease and grace that comes with truly connecting with our partner or other loved ones we must be willing to do the deep dive and uncover our BS.

Six Important Facts No One Tells You About Relationships

Most of us have many dreams about what relationships will be like or should be like. We’ve lived with these dreams forever, so when the real thing happens, and we find ourselves in a relationship reality can be quite a shock. Some people feel tricked, trapped or like failures. Others do everything under the sun to change their partner, change themselves, or figure out why their marriage is different from the way they thought it would be.

The first step in truly understanding relationships, however, is to realize that what we dream about or imagine, is not necessarily what is going to happen to us. And that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with ourselves or our relationship. It just means that we didn’t know what to truly expect.

Here are six facts that no one ever told you about relationships that is important for you to understand. When you do, you’ll find that many of the tangles loosen and as you relax your relationship can grow naturally.

Number 1) Relationships are not static.

They can, will and must change. No two people stay the same during the course of a life time. Their needs, wishes, and interests vary. It is unreasonable to expect that relationship partners will always grow and change in the same ways, at the same time. This has to be accepted and included in the relationship. It is not necessary for the two of you to always think the same way, like the same things, or be in the same place at the same time. Just because you may have different tastes or interests doesn’t mean that the two of you aren’t in love. For relationships to remain vital and healthy it is necessary to have a core of mutual interests, activities and desires, but, it is also crucial to make room for differences between you. This doesn’t necessarily mean you are growing apart. It may just mean that you are growing, and will have even more love and understanding to bring to your partner in the long run.

Number 2) Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane.

Many people expect to feel “in love” with their partner on a daily basis. By this they mean having romantic feelings of excitement and infatuation, feeling as though they can’t wait to see the person, and miss them if they’re gone. These individuals must learn the crucial difference between loving a partner and being “in love”. Romantic feelings of excitement, intoxication and infatuation necessarily wax and wane. There are times they appear and are very enjoyable -other times they fade into the background. This does not mean something is wrong or that you do not love each other. Love is not based upon fluctuating feelings, but upon a solid foundation of mutual respect, consideration and communication. Although it is wonderful and important to set aside time for romantic time together, the daily on-goingness of life requires a much deeper understanding of what it means to truly love. Love is often tested in the fire, and frequently sacrifice is needed. In order to truly love, one must grow as a person, and that is what relationships are for – to help us grow in our ability to discover what love really is..

Number 3) Love is not dependency.

It’s all right to be who you are, be different from him, have friends and activities of your own. It’s also all right, to give him time with his friends and private space. Love always includes trust of the other, and the knowledge that the more your partner is able to enjoy others, the more he will be able to enjoy being with you. The less you suffocate and possess him, the more he will want to be with you. The less you let him suffocate you, the more you will love him and the more he will respect you. It’s fine to be two, separate, whole people. From that basis, a lot of love can grow.

Number 4) Being angry doesn’t mean you do not love each other.

Some feel that as soon as they are angry with their partner or their partner is angry with them the love has gone out the window. Of course, if anger goes on for too long, or is not dealt with properly, it certainly can erode the quality of a relationship. But being angry is not a sign that he doesn’t love you, or you him. It is simply a sign that it is time for good, open, honest, careful communication to take place. On-going communication is the heart and soul of every good relationship.

When we bottle up our needs and feelings and pretend to be who we are not, then all that has been hidden will explode through anger. But, when we recognize anger, irritation or resentment as it arises, and freely discuss our needs or responses with our partner, not only does the anger diminish, but our relationship grows closer. Take anger as a sign that you are being an opportunity to communicate more and know each other better. Let it make you closer, not further apart.

Number 5) Even though you’re together all the time, you still must make time for one another.

Actually, you must actually carve out more time for each other when you live together. Living together it’s easy to take one another’s presence for granted. But just because the person is there physically, does not necessarily mean you’re sharing quality time. Children, errands, pressures at work and social obligations can create a whir of activity, but not intimate time between the two of you. Carve out intimate time when the two of you are alone. Go some place special. Make time to talk and hug. Make time to have fun alone. This is a wonderful refresher to every marriage and should be done at least weekly.

Number 6) Being together for a long time doesn’t have to take the magic away.

It’s wonderful to have someone at your side, who you share experiences with year after year. There is no way to replace a person who you’ve gone through many years with, sharing common experiences and memories. The sense of continuity and trust that can develop between you is a jewel. It is wonderful to wake up each morning, knowing this person is at your side. As the years pass you know each other better and better, whatever happens you both know there is someone there for you, who understands what you are going through. As our ability to share grows, the burdens of life diminish greatly, and the joys intensify as well.

It is About Relationship Building

If you open a dollar store you will soon discover that the most successful stores are built on strong relationships. Those relationships involve employees, customers, suppliers and vendors and the community. Long term growth and success are built on those relationships.

Vendors and Suppliers Reps are in touch with the business world. Often they are the first to spot market trends. Knowing those trends when you open a dollar store can put your store ahead of the curve as new hot products enter the market. They also can save you from losses when you are among the first to know about products that have fallen out a favor.

Customer relationships are the very foundation of long term growth and sales success. It doesn’t matter whether you have the hottest products. It doesn’t matter whether your store is the most conveniently located. When you open a dollar store you will soon find that if you and your employees have failed to establish a solid relationship with shoppers you are doomed to struggle.

Establishing a solid relationship with all of your employees is important to employee retention and all of the associated benefits. It is also one of the keys to having every employee aligned regarding company values and direction. When you open a dollar store employees are generally the first and last to deal with shoppers. A staff of well-trained, committed employees is an important step down the path to success.

When you open a dollar store you will soon find that community relationships are another key to success. Community relationships include ties to schools, other businesses, community business groups, and others. By maintaining strong ties to the community your name and the good deeds that you perform become well-known to all.

Myths About Relationship

We humans have preconceived notions about most things. More often than not these notions prevent us from being open minded. In fact, sometimes it is these pearls of wisdom which we hold so dear to our hearts that come in the way of our completely understanding or enjoying a certain situation.

Relationships are the building blocks of a successful life. But so many of us suffer because of the fixed notions we have about relationships. These notions (which are not always correct or even well thought out) are the yardsticks by which we judge the success or failure of our relationships. So, here are some myths about relationships demystified.

Myth no 1: A great relationship is one in which the partners do not keep secrets. One in which they can vent out all their feelings. This may be true to a certain extent but it certainly isn’t entirely true. A lot of the things we say during these ‘venting out’ sessions are very often things which do not represent our true feelings. Though they are how we think really feel at that point in time.

However, these feelings should not be communicated – more so, if they are potentially destructive. When one of the partners ends up blurting out something really hurtful in the heat of the moment it might damage the relationship permanently.

Because, sometimes people find it hard to forgive some things that have been said during these venting sessions.

Myth no 2: One of the most important ingredients of a great relationship is romance. It is true that love and romance do play an important role in laying the foundation stone of a good and strong relationship. But, if your definition of romance is the kind of stuff you see in movies then you are in for great disappointment. As you grow in a marriage then the initial passion makes way for a more secure and dependable kind of love.

Myth no 3: Two people who think alike or two like minded people are best suited to build a good relationship. A good relationship is one that enriches your life and not one which is a mirror image of it. Besides, it is impossible that you will be able to see things exactly as your partner does because one person is genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different from the other.

Myth no 4: If the partners in a relationship are not able to solve problems that arise in a relationship then the relationship is a failure. Because, it is a fact that most of the problems that one faces in a relationship do not have definite solution. The closest one can get to solving these problems is agree to disagree and reach an emotional closure.

Myth no 5: A great relationship is one in which the partners do not fight or argue. Again a misnomer. Every person who has been in a meaningful relationship fights and argues. However, the difference is that they don’t abandon the issue and attack the self-worth of their partner.

Myth no 6: There is a set formula for achieving success in a relationship. The whole business of building a relationship is based on trial and error. Hence there can be no set rule for success.

Figure out what works for you rather than following some standard rule you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. Even if you think a certain rule is working out for you the thing to remember is not to follow even that rule rigidly!

We Can Learn About Relationships

It is regrettable we do not have a chance to study about relationships when we are in school. Relationships are something all of us will have to cope with in our lives. We are educated in reading, writing and arithmetic but the one thing that affects us the most emotionally is left to us to work out on our own.

It is mostly hit and miss for us when we take care of relationship issues, not really sure what to do. Many times when it gets rough, we will give up and break up. If we knew more about what we were doing or had more patience we could salvage these relationships. The only relationships we should not save are those that are abusive or really bad.

What can take place is we just give up too early. We might be angry and hurt and feel like the easiest way out is to leave. We tend to think about what is happening currently and forget the good times we have had with our partners. If things had been doing great in the relationship at one time, why can it not be good again?

No relationship is perfect so you should not expect perfection. When you and your partner get into an disagreement, it should not be viewed as the end of the world. Now, if the issue is cheating then you have a different situation to deal with. With cheating you will have to overcome lost of trust, but it can be done. Many relationships have survived someone cheating and still gone on to long lives together.

When things get tough do not give up hope, you can work out your differences and avoid a break up or divorce. Even if just one of you make an attempt at fixing things, you still have a good chance of getting your relationship back on track.

Everything I Know About Relationship Success

It happened again!

I was enjoying an evening with my little 2-yr. old son at the playground when, BAM, it happened. You ever have one of those moments in life when you know you are being taught an important lesson?

Picture in your mind a chaotic atmosphere of over fifty little children battling for their turn to play on a handful of playground rides and objects.

Recipe for disaster, huh? That’s what I thought, too, until my observations quickly picked up something else.

Sure, they were running into one another, crying and trying to get ahead of each other for the rides. They were walking across other children who had fallen down in front of them and were pushing one another to get their turn. They were running to their parents for comfort after getting their feelings hurt.

As I stood there taking in the scenery before me, those little blessings of life showed me some important lessons about relationship success. If you will indulge me a moment, I will share with you what I found out.

Relationship Success Lesson #1 – The Principle of Fun:

Not much to say here! It’s simple; these kids loved to have fun.

In adult relationships, life throws curves at us constantly. Responsibilities come at us from every angle. It takes conscious effort to remember to have fun together in life. I emphasize the word, “together”. I’m not talking about the type of fun where the husband plays golf and the wife shops.

The “heavy” takes it toll on relationships, and we do well when we give our relationship a time-out from the heavy and lighten up. Couples who play together, stay together.

Relationship Success Lesson #2 – The Principle of Fascination:

As I stood there watching, it was interesting to see how the younger children reacted to the older kids. It didn’t take much observance to see that they were taken by and fascinated with them.

Fascination! While it is not a word often associated with relationship success, if you want thriving relationships, you may just want to give it some precedence.

I was blessed earlier in life to have a couple who had been married over twenty-six years model this for me. Whenever anyone saw them together, they were holding hands and playfully giddy as if they had just started dating. When I asked what caused her to be this much in love with a man after so many years of marriage, she responded, “He fascinates me.”

Let that sink in a moment.

Are you an interesting person? Would you consider yourself intriguing? Do you have interests in life that cause other people to want to be around you, or are you often bored?

A few things to note:

* Bored people are boring people.

* Having interests will help make us more fascinating in life.

* In the world of relationship enrichment, “Couch Potatoes Need Not Apply”.

Relationship Success Lesson #3 – The Principle of Forgiveness:

As I stood and watched, two children were running on the playground in opposite directions, and I saw it coming before they did. They each circled the same object until they literally met in the middle. Two more kids came around and did the same thing.

Tempers flared, emotions ran high, tears ran down their cheeks and feelings were hurt. Less than two minutes later, they were off running and playing together, and all was forgotten.

What would happen in adult relationships if we learned how to do that? Instead of internalizing everything, we learn not to take it all so personally. Instead of holding grudges, we learn to hold hands.

A Kernel of Truth about Relationships

It’s all about relationships! proclaimed my father during our recent holiday visit with my parents. Santa Claus coffee cup in one hand and a wagging finger toward my wife, Elizabeth, with the other. When you retire, thats what you realize is most important in life (okay, so thats not him in the photo).

Dad recently retired from 30+ years as an orthopedic surgeon and the major shift in lifestyle seems to have brought about a significant shift in his outlook on life. For me, his statement about relationships became much broader and more profound than I thought such a simple and reasonable statement could ever become.

At first look, it makes sense that relationships are vital to our lives. Whether it is friendship, dating, marriage, family or community, relationships with others are a part of our everyday life. They give us belonging, meaning, companionship, intimacy and love. But, pulling back from this view and taking a broad gander at the subject I realized that relationships are more than just meaningful interactions with people. When we relate or interact with something we are, in fact, in relationship with it. For instance, our relationship with work, our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with our health and our relationship with our spirituality. By defining relationships from this broader perspective, our relationship list becomes almost endless.

You see, when we look at our relationships, we look at our interaction with every part of our lives; people, places, things, and events. So, what is our relationship to our work, ourselves, our environment, our health, our spirituality? How do we relate to these things? Or, better yet, if it is all about relationships how are our most important relationships?

Coming from the psychotherapy world, I often helped couples, families and individuals improve personal relationships by working through a series of 4 questions. Once I broadened my definition of relationships, I found that these questions are applicable to all types of relationships. The questions go something like this:

1. What relationships do you value most?

Be clear about what you value and which relationships are truly priorities to you.

2. Why do you value them?

Understanding the value these relationships have for you underscores the importance of the relationship and clarifies why a relationship feels important.

3. How do you nourish each relationship?

Now that youve identified how and why a relationship is important, you must define what it is that you do to keep that relationship alive and growing.

4. How do you maintain your commitment through the tough times?

Are the divorce stats really any different from the number of other relationships that end in our own lives (i.e., dropping the diet, forgetting exercise, leaving job after job, putting personal goals and dreams on hold, getting around to the God/spiritual thing when you have more time, etc)? These relationships may not necessarily be a marriage but like a marriage these relationships have their challenging times. Similar to a marital relationship, we must work through the difficult times in our other relationships rather than set them aside until a better time or just plain hope the struggles go away. This is often the point at which my coaching clients seek my assistance.

You will inevitably find that nurturing these relationships is often like a juggling act. Though, once we identify the key relationships in our lives and begin relating with them rather than leaving them on our To Do list, we will soon find that balance in life is an attainable goal and that, in fact, life truly is all about relationships.

Life Phrases About Relationships

Let’s start with you, then we’ll move to the relationships you have.

You have to believe that you are loved. Just because you exist means that you are. Your higher power or God, or whatever name you use for that which animates you, brought you into being out of love. For what over reason can you imagine being brought to life?

God needed to express Its consciousness. God, therefore, brought the physical universe onto being. God needed to experience God’s consciousness, for that was the only way God could have it. God’s Creation was an expression of love for God Itself.

Therefore, you were “born” of love. You are a direct expression of God. God is in you and through you, and is you.

This is difficult to explain to you. It is one the ineffable mysteries of life and the universe. You have to trust yourself to believe this way of thinking. If you have never thought of the love of God in these terms, this may even seem to be a foreign language that you do not understand.

Learn this “language” of God’s Love and expression of Itself – through you.

Then, when you have convinced yourself of the truth of this idea, you have a treasure to bring to the rest of the world. In this case we are talking about relationships, though the idea fits every place in life.

The treasure you have to bring to each relationship you maintain, is this value that you found in yourself through the love of God. This is not an excuse to puff yourself with false and uncalled for arrogance. Following the example of God, your treasure is offered to others as a free gift. God does force anything on you. God gives the gift of Its love. You give yourself to others in the same wise.

You have found infinite value in yourself through the treasure of God that is in you. Therefore, every relationship you have can be filled with this value, your value.

One of things this value means is that you do not need to pretend to be someone other than yourself. You offer yourself just as you are, God’s treasure in you. If the other or others in a relationship do not accept you in these terms, you need not keep them in a relationship with you. Just be yourself and others will find you and befriend you.

You need not offer, in a relationship, that which you do not possess. But you possess a treasure from God which you can share in any relationship. You have infinite value. Others have or are looking to have that same value within themselves. The need you to show the way by simply being yourself. With the treasure of God within.

How Educated Are You About Relationships

Your education about relationships starts at an early age in life and some of us go through many hurtful experiences in the beginning. These experiences are necessary for us to grow and mature. But also for us to learn to love ourselves just the way we are. When we learn to except that we are a unique human being then it will be a natural thing for other people to except us too.

In a relationship there have to be a fairly even give and take for the relationship to work. If you are the one who are giving in most of the time then sooner or later the relationship will become unbalanced. It is really up to you to set your boundaries so the other person knows how far they can go.

If you are guilty of that then be quick to apologize and say you are sorry. A good relationship takes time and patience to build up and it is something which you should continue to work on. Most people like to be appreciated so do not hesitate to pay the other person a few sincere compliments now and again. It will work wonders for your relationship.

When someone new comes into your life it is usually for you to learn from each other and if they leave your life it may be because you have learned the lesson and you both need to move on. Not all relationships end up happy but if you can come to terms with the fact that some people come into your life for a reason, a season or they come to stay with you for a life time.

If you are lucky enough to have someone educating you about relationships at an early age then you will have a good foundation to build on and a much better chance to form healthy relationships as you get older. By understanding a bit about how relationships work you will be saved form a lot of heart ace later in life.

What Every Couple Should Know About Relationship Control

When people talk about relationship control, they immediately think that it is a bad thing. After all, if the guy is the one controlling the woman, that could mean that she loses her freedom completely and is a slave to the machismo of the male species. If it is the girl who is in control of the relationship, people would think lowly of the man because he does not have the guts to control the woman. There are a lot of reasons why relationship control is viewed in such a bad light but the truth is, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with it. In fact, a relationship can be in shambles without relationship control.

Let us put it this way, without relationship control, the relationship will have no objective and will go nowhere. If you are already married and you do not have planning for saving, having your own home or how to provide for your children, you can be sure that your marriage will not last very long. Someone has to be in control so that the marriage will have a direction and as a team, the husband and the wife can accomplish things together for themselves as a couple and for their children.

So if relationship control is not necessarily a bad thing, how then can it be beneficial for a relationship? More often than not, it is the guy who is in control of a relationship. He is supposed to be the breadwinner and the one to make the major decisions in the family. The problem is that there are men who overstep their so-called authority. They become dictatorial and expect the woman to follow and obey their every whim even though they are already wrong. For you guys who are having trouble with the right form of relationship control, here is a little but helpful tip. Just love your woman. They respond way better to love than to threats. If you show them that you love them, they will happily relinquish the control to you.

Of course, love is not enough for women to give the relationship control to the guy. He must also prove to her that he is capable of leadership. If you always make bad decisions, then how in the world will she trust you to make decisions for both of you? One cannot lead unless he knows what he is doing. Be a good decision maker, earn her trust and she will happily follow you.

Third, remember to listen to the woman also. You may have the steering wheel but remember that you only have it because she let you lead. Do not think that relationship control is dictatorship. Listen to what she has to say and when she has a point, follow her. That does not make you less of a leader or less of a man. In fact, it takes a real man to know that the woman is right.